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Most boring food in the world

Zubin Dsouza

One morning I woke up and decided that the time had come for me to shed the extra kilos that had positioned themselves rather comfortably all over my body. I wanted to do everything just right.

So I started my run around the park. It lasted for a grand distance of fifty metres, slowed down to a twenty-metre jog and a couple of metres of brisk walking before my pounding heart forced me to a quick stop.

All sweaty and pretty pleased with my workout, I decided to head out and get myself a breakfast because it happens to be the most important meal of the day and I wanted to do everything just right.

Did you ever walk into a restaurant at the break of dawn and order yourself a Continental breakfast?  When you look at a name like that at the top of a fancy breakfast menu, you automatically think that probably you are in for something that is a bit posh. You would also expect it to be huge, right? I mean, you don’t have to be a genius to figure out that the word continental was derived from the word for a huge land mass, a continent! And if you eat a breakfast as huge as a continent, you are sure to have a very good day ahead of you. So, you sit there and wait for something really exciting to appear and all the while hoping that it could be served to you faster, right?

Nope! You are wrong! There is nothing fancy about toast or bread rolls served with butter, jam and a cup of coffee. In fact I see neither any continental in it nor any breakfast! It had to be the most uninspiring breakfast that I ever had and it just seemed to go downhill from there. And as I looked around me, I saw several other occupied tables order in the same breakfast. There were some who did not even do a good job of buttering their toasts; weight watchers I presumed and although they did not seem to have much success keeping off the fat, they seemed to be enjoying biting into the dry toasts.

I can’t imagine what it must feel like to always be so conscious about what you eat.

It got me thinking – with a boring breakfast like this, there may be so many other foods that bring about a certain feeling of desperation in a person.

I know sliced bread is considered one of the greatest culinary inventions ever but plain toast has to be the most boring avatar that it could ever get into. It is dry, you rarely manage to toast it perfectly so that it comes out evenly golden without a trace of burning and it also tends to stick to the roof of your mouth.

I can’t think of anything more boring unless I am thinking of cheese crackers! And if you are chomping them bereft of cheese, they make your mouth feel like coarse sandpaper.

Could there be anything worse? Rice crackers? Wheat shreddies? Rubbish that passes off as a healthy breakfast cereal or maybe even bran flakes? I could count soya milk in this list and definitely skim milk. In fact when you eat shredded wheat cereal and soya milk together it gives me the absolute ennui and a feeling of trying to swallow dry twigs and sawdust peppered with liquid glue.

I know that all these foods are considered healthy and there is a huge load of stomach-crunching-treadmill-burning-meal-upchucking folks out there who would probably tear into me if I diss their regular fare.

I happened to be joining the very same club of leotard clad folks today and I realised that maintaining the diet that was required of me would have been close to impossible because just digesting a regular day’s worth of stuff would cause me some serious internal injuries and I am just not speaking physical here.

I know that tofu is square food but did it also have to taste square? Japanese tempeh is so far removed from the rest of the culinary delights that the country has to offer that it begs me to wonder if it really belongs there.

Round food can be boring too. Turnips are a classic example. I know that they have found favour recently and people are roasting, baking, steaming and pureeing them but you just can’t turn the bland into the good.

Then of course there is celery which is a vegetable so bland that you can probably crown it the King of Blandistan or Blandiland – whatever you prefer.

I knew that there was a reason for putting off my weight loss regimen. Now that I found the core reason and conflict that it has with my ethos, I moved out from my ‘continental’ breakfast and hopped across the road to a fast food joint to order my cheese filled burger!

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