Lately I’ve been having a problem in college where I’m being shamed for following ethics. For me, ethics are very important, but I see a lot of people who don’t do the same. I’m being shamed by my peers for doing the right thing and it makes me angry and upset when they don’t at least try to do what is right. I’ve been told to mind my own business, but this really bothers me.
Could you please help me out?
Thank you for writing in and sharing your concerns with me. I can imagine how frustrating it must feel to be surrounded by people who have very little integrity. What is more hurtful is when you are shamed for your own integrity. However, if you value your integrity, then be prepared to take a beating from those who have none. Leon Brown said: “Always do the right thing no matter what others say. It is you, not them, who have to face the consequences.” It is difficult and sometimes not our place to tell people what to do. It is like writing a book and then telling people how to feel when they read your work. Sometimes all you can do is hope to connect with them on some level. The more you tell someone what to do, the more rebellious they may become. Let people do what makes them happy and you do what makes you happy.
It helps if you remember that everyone is doing their best from their level of consciousness.
You need not tell people all the time, what they are doing wrong. Most of the time, they already know; your job is to love them anyway.
‘There is a difference between doing things right and doing the right thing’ – Chris Fussell.
You continue to be the best version of yourself in anything that you do and let your results surprise them. The smart way to live life is to lead by example. ‘The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails’ – William Arthur Ward.
All the best.
The boy I’ve been dating for the last four years broke up with me last week. He said he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I think he is in love with someone else at his workplace and this caused our breakup. I feel so angry and I just cannot accept this.
Thank you for your email. I am so sorry to know about your breakup and the pain it has caused you. If your boyfriend really loved you, no matter how many other people he meets, his feelings for you wouldn’t change. Real love is much stronger than you think – it includes commitment!
It is fine to chase someone who loves you but chasing someone to love you is not okay.
Violeta Para wrote, ‘Don’t cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won’t let you see the stars.’
Sometimes you must forget what you feel and remember what you deserve. You need to stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it. Be strong enough to let go. Try not to lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is like hugging a cactus – the tighter you hold on the more it begins to hurt.
Focus on loving yourself now, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you. When you focus on yourself, you create more self-worth. If you direct your attention to the hurt caused, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson learned, you will continue to grow!
Indulge in activities you enjoy. Learn a new skill, find a new hobby. Keep yourself occupied with things you never had the time for before. Not all storms in life come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path. Be open to new experiences and believe it’s going to be great.
Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things break. And all things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention.
So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally.
‘The broken world waits in darkness for the light that is you’
L R Knost
Do keep writing in with any queries you may have at firstname.lastname@example.org
Until next time, be kind.
(The columnist is psychologist and counsellor, currently working as a school counsellor.)