My last column on Trading Insults brought in a deluge of cheery and positive responses, along with a request by adolescents and the Genex crowd for satirical observation far more appropriate to their age and lifestyle. So here goes: well-mannered and eloquent teen derision to utilise at will, and with much laughter, on their friends and colleagues.
lMay the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.
lMay every sock you put on get slightly rotated, just enough for you to feel miserable in your sneakers when you are jogging on the track.
lMay your mother come into your room to discuss something with you which lulls you to sleep. May she then decide to exit without closing the door, forcing you to get up to shut it.
lMay your brain always feel as good as new, since you hardly ever use it.
lMay your article load that extra little bit as you are about to click a link so you click on an ad instead.
lMay both sides of your pillow always be uncomfortably warm. And may your quilt slide off the side of the bed on the coldest day.
lMay you always have the need to notify your face the day you feel terrific.
lMay everyone at Taco Bell rush to the Mexican border when you walk into that fast-food restaurant. And may the Chihuahua mascot of the restaurant chain howl in angst.
lMay you forever feel your cell phone vibrating in the pocket it’s not even in.
lMay you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached. Haha!
lMay your life be as pleasant as you are! Unpleasant.
lMay your chair produce a sound similar to a gas emission, but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it again to prove to all present that it was the chair and not you.
lMay your five-year-old neighbours have their violin lessons the day you are trying desperately hard to recover from a late night hangover.
lMay you have your laptop or cell phone charge all night without noticing that the chord isn’t plugged into the electrical outlet.
lMay your return calls always go unanswered, even though your best friend called you a second ago.
lMay you always step into a wet spot after putting on fresh white socks.
lMay your coffee latte be too hot when you receive it, and too cold by the time you remember it is there.
lMay your biscuit or kachori always be too large to fit inside your tea cup, so it crumbles into pieces and makes a mess both inside and around the cup. Yuck!
lMay your friends always snigger that you will leave promptly if they throw you a stick.
lMay the pin of the bathroom stall never calibrate with the lock so you can never close the door.
lMay your colleagues envisage your slipping into something more comfortable. Like a coma.
lMay all your Facebook invites be game invites.
lMay you never be quite certain whether that pressure you feel is just gas or something far more solid.
lMay your spoon always slip into the hot soup you are eating and sink to the bottom, so you have to stick your hand in to retrieve it. Messy, messy!
lMay you be forced to consider suing your brains for non-support?
lMay you always be blessed with diarrhoea of the mouth so everyone knows you for the fool that you are, with a constipation of ideas.
lMay you always feel a terribly empty sensation — in your skull.
lMay you put on your clothes inside out when you have to dash off to get the 7.17 a.m. bus to college.
lMay the bus conk out on the very day that you must be in school on time for an important exam.
lMay the bridge be completely congested with traffic on your first date so you arrive two hours late and your girlfriend has already eaten dinner and changed for the night.
lMay you grow on people— like a wart!
lMay you always possess an inferiority complex which can be fully certified and justified by a shrink.
lMay your conversation be like the waves of the sea. Enough to make all your friends and family seasick!
lMay they put a demitasse cup on your head and call it a sombrero. Olé! Olé!
lMay all your friends remember you, especially when they are visiting the zoo.
lMay people swear that your parents must have been siblings when they analyse your complete lack of intelligence.
lMay your chocolate brain never be able to fill an M&M.
lMay calling you stupid be an insult to stupid people.
lMay you suffer frustrating moments when Eminem raps faster than your internet connection.
lMay your teachers believe that tutoring you is a thankless job, but force themselves to labour on as they have a great deal of Karma to burn off.
lMay folk never hate you. May they just display a lack of enthusiasm about your existence.
lMay people believe you were born in the Dark Ages since you look so terrible in the light.
lMay you never once dunk a single basketball nor topple all the pins in a bowling alley the entire year.
lMay your hand snag up a chewed piece of gum from under the canteen table which someone had slyly placed there.
lMay no one say that you are dumb. May they just comment that you were sixteen before you learned how to wave good-bye.
lMay the closest you ever get to a brainstorm be a slight drizzle.
lMay you NEVER remember any of these curses when you want to.