By Khushwant Singh
Daily papers crammed with news of scams, rapes, rantings of politicians, road and rail accidents are most depressing. The shenanigans of Narain Dutt Tiwari come as a comic relief. Bless you Tiwariji! You are a man after my heart. Long may you live!
How many people have the daring to celebrate Christmas Eve with three young prostitutes to share their bed? And that too in the Raj Niwas of a State when you are its Governor? I can’t think of anyone besides the gallant Tiwari. They sack him for his display of gallantry. He flies basic to his home town Dehra Dun to receive a hero’s welcome. Then a fellow named Rohit Shekhar, 32, says: “He is my Pop because my Mom says so.” Mom, named Ujjawala Sharma, supports him. “I am his mummy and Narain Dutt is his Pappy. I can swear to it.” Narain Dutt replies: “They are liars! I had nothing whatsoever to do with her or her bastard son.” Mamma and son get court orders to take a sample of Narainji’s blood. Being brave Brahman he retorts: “Nothing doing! My blood is precious, no one is going to get a drop of it free.” However, the law courts don’t agree with him. The more he evades courts orders to submit to a blood test, more the people believe he has something to hide. So, at long last, the much harassed Tiwariji has been ordered to give a sample of his blood. What it yields has a strong probability of his having sired an illegitimate son. Now, they have also produced photography of Tiwariji with Ujjawala and a baby boy at his mundan—head shaving ceremony.
Why have the powers that be persecuted the poor man so mercilessly? They elect him Chief Minister, appoint him Governor, then allow his lady companion and her son to blacken his face.
Tiwariji will go down in the pages of Indian history as an able and subservient Congress Party Neta. A doggerel about him has immortalised his name!
Main Narain Dutt Tiwari noon,
Na nar hoon naa naaree noon,
Main Indira kaa Pujari noon
Main Sanjay kee savaaree noon.
There is something wrong in this malicious diatribe in denying him manhood (na nar noon, na naari noon). He is very much a nar – a he man. So I shout from my house-top: “Narain Dutt Tiwari, Zinadabad! Tiwari if tumbara koi jawaab nahin – There is no one like you.
More Money, More Sex
“Men are usually unable to control their behaviour if they have too much money in their pocket,” government spokesman Rifly Katili told reporters in Gorontalo province, Indonesia. “They cheat on their wives, and spend all their money on mistresses, and many wives of civil servants have complained to the governor that their husbands were even withholding how much they were earning, which is typically between one and hour million rupiah, a month ($110-440).
“Something had to be done, so from now on, all male married civil servants will have their monthly pay automatically transferred directly to their wives’ bank accounts, is a government initiative to stop them having illicit sex or casual affairs, and to empower the employees’ wives to learn about house-hold budget management. The ruling affects 3,200 civil servants in Gorontalo and North Sulawesi, and we are pretty sure that this decision will eliminate the possibility of love affairs that undermine families. About 90 per cent of the employees are voluntarily taking part in the initiative, but it is compulsory anyway, so it doesn’t really matter whether they volunteer or not.”
Asked for figures about infidelity in northern Sulawesi Island, Katali replied that “We do not know how many civil servants have actually cheated on their wives. Unfortunately, we never researched that. But we think it must have been rife.”
(Courtesy: Private Eye, London)
Customer: You said these pants were of pure wool, but the label says ‘100 per cent cotton’.
Salesman: Oh, that’s just to keep the moths away.
Sailing in same boat
A Pakistani to an Afghani: You don’t have trains in your country yet you have a minister for railways?
Afghani: Same reason, as you have a minister for justice in your country.
(Contributed by Anirban Sen, New Delhi)