By Marilia Priyanka Fernandes
Our search for love begins sometime in adolescence and ends for many during young adulthood. In our culture it means that our search ends in marriage.
Along the way, we come across different forms of love – puppy love, infatuations, whirlwind romances, passionate love, unrequited love, platonic love, etc. Each of these experiences adds new dimensions to our search. At the end of all our experiences, including marriage, we may be left confused about love. This only makes us believe that love is a funny feeling with no explanation and only speculation.
However, psychologist Robert Sternberg thought otherwise and came up with his famous explanation called the triangular theory of love. This theory explains the different elements of love and how these elements combine to give the different varieties of love we experience. According to him, love has three components (hence the name triangular) – intimacy, passion and commitment. Intimacy refers to feelings of connectedness and closeness. This happens when people share their experiences and thoughts and are supportive and understanding of each other. Physical attraction, sexual desire and romance are all driven by passion. Commitment is the decision to be in a relationship with a person, and in the long term includes shared goals and achievements.
Most relationships are characterised by the presence of any two elements. A relationship with only one element present is not sufficient to be termed a love relationship. The mutual like and regard that friends have is based solely on intimacy. Friends share a bond with each other that is devoid of passion and commitment. Infatuated love or puppy love is based only on passion and physical attraction. Such a feeling will fade away soon unless a friendship based on intimacy develops. This then becomes romantic love. The partners feel belongingness through mutual sharing, understanding and physical desire.
When all three - intimacy, passion and commitment are present, it is consummate love. This is the ideal form of love towards which we aspire. Many love marriages begin in this state but then deteriorate into other forms of love. It is easy to achieve consummate love but maintaining it is difficult. It is rare to find couples who after twenty to thirty years of marriage are able to preserve and maintain this state. Generally passion is the first to fade away. The reasons for this are plenty. The relationship is left with only intimacy and commitment. This is called companionate love, commonly referred to as platonic love. It is devoid of sexual desire but the couple feels a deep affection and closeness due to the existing intimacy.
Some relationships are characterised by only commitment. This happens in arranged marriages. The couple has only commitment or empty love, and later on the relationship will develop the other elements. There are few marriages that are based only on passion. In these cases commitment is motivated by passion. Unless this fatuous love develops intimacy it will fail or be reduced to empty love in the short run.
The challenge for all couples is achieving and then maintaining consummate love in their relationship and marriage. For this it is important that both learn and grow together. Giving each other personal space and nurturing your partner’s dreams are vital. It is also good to have common goals that lead to a sense of achievement. Seek ways to keep the novelty and excitement of the relationship alive. If you stick to a routine then boredom will creep in. Find innovative ways to express your love.
