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Not drinking that

Zubin Dsouza

I attended the opening of a bar and the highlight of the evening was a drink called a Zombie.

It was a creative recreation of an old classic and the bar-chief had decided to throw in some absinthe for an added kick.

Now I am teetotal and I wasn’t prepared to change my status especially when faced with a drink that was turning everyone into reanimated corpses!

I asked the mixologist behind the counter to get me something creative.

He got extremely excited and jumped at the challenge.

What followed was actually challenging for me.

The beverage was creative no doubt but undrinkable.

It had traces of chocolate, bacon, hickory wood smoke, maple syrup, soya milk, peanut butter. I think I should just stop here. The memories are actually pretty nasty.

But to be fair, it wasn’t the worst I have come across.

Today, we discover the world of drinks that are so disgusting that people may actually have second thoughts before spiking your drink.

In all honesty, I want to begin with India where cow urine has been converted into a refreshing soda that is neatly packaged with a prominent display of the chief ingredient on the label. This refreshing drink with a hint of cow is being promoted as a health tonic and a panacea for several ailments. Naturally, I haven’t tried it but judging from the huge number of cartons that get dispatched from the production unit to stores within India and across the globe; I can only surmise that a lot of other people are giving this drink a go.

China being our neighbour and always so very competitive has gone a couple of steps further. They have a mice wine infused with three-day-old baby mice replete with the fact that the baby mice should have their eyes closed. I guess if you saw the baby mice with their innocent eyes open, you may feel pretty sad or queasy and that may not be good for marketing.

They also manufacture and distribute a three penis wine that includes the delicate personal parts of a seal, deer and Cantonese dog. It is supposed to boost human male virility but judging from the manufacturing process, I would warn that it did not work out so well for the animals involved.

If animal penis is not really your thing, you can try a snake wine that comes replete with an authentic, preserved snake corpse. This is available in many countries in South East Asia like Vietnam and Cambodia as well apart from China. Sometimes to make matters a little more interesting, they may throw in a scorpion during the steeping process and it gets bottled along with the snake.

Mexico may have borrowed a page from here because there is always available an authentic Mexican mezcal that has a scorpion floating in it.

There is also centipede vodka which weirdly enough comes with a massive millipede which tends to span almost the entire length of the bottle. Enough with the animal parts.

If these haven’t made you queasy as yet, the Sourtoe cocktail from Yukon, Canada surely will. It is served with an authentic mummified human toe that has definitely not had a pedicure.

Guests who want to join the Sourtoe cocktail club (and I am really not making this up) get a shot glass full of their choice of alcohol with the preserved toe dunked in it. To qualify for admission into the club, you have to let the gnarly digit touch your lips as you have your drink. The pub was actually on the lookout for a backup toe when the previous one was swallowed by a customer, on purpose.

Then there is kumis which is a Mongolian drink made from the fermented milk of a mare. I never really knew that you could get a mare to stand still long enough to milk her. Turning her milk into booze is definitely several notches higher than I would think.

Not to be outdone on the milk front, Vermont produces white vodka that is made from cow milk. Now, this I kind of understand because you can get a cow to stand still. You can’t really say the same about a Mongolian mare or a seal facing the chopping block.

And for those not into alcohol, there are camel milk cocktails that are sold in several Arab countries. These are viewed at as delicacies but I would avoid them since they still have the faint, lingering aroma of mottled camel hair.

And a company in Illinois, USA has developed a TV addict’s dream – a pizza beer – which actually uses a margherita pizza as flavouring during the brewing process.

Nothing at all can beat the Alaskan Inuit creation of seagull alcohol. Apparently all it requires is a (preferably dead) seagull, stuffed in a bottle of water which is exposed to sunlight till it putrefies. The stuff is then strained but only if you are not in a hurry. Knocking this drink back gives you the fastest high, the meanest hangover but nothing can be done about the absolutely disgusting aftertaste which seems like a cross between rotten seagull and fighter jet fuel.

This makes cow urine seem mild in comparison!


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