I have been married for the past 12 years and have two sons aged 12 and 6 years. Mine was an arranged marriage and my husband is not from Goa. My in-laws asked me to bring money from my mother and give it to them. When I refused, my husband, his mother and sister beat me very badly and threw me and my sons out of the house.

After this I came back to my mother’s place and now I have taken a place of my own on rent basis and enrolled my children in school. Gradually I became interested in a boy who is seven years younger than me. He is good to my kids. We have had sexual relations and are staying together. Everyone thinks he is my husband. He is an unhappy person as when his mother died his grandmother kept him in an orphanage. Later he was brought to work in his own house in the hotel and bar. He loves me and my kids a lot. My parents only know him as my friend. I love him a lot too. He wants to marry me now. Should I go ahead? Please help me.

Dear Harassed

You have been through very distressing situations and have managed to overcome them with courage. This shows you are a very strong and capable person. The love you get from your current partner provides a respite from this harsh world. However, you are still married to your husband. Marrying your partner would be an illegal act. First, you need to get a divorce. Hence, it would be good if you contact a lawyer. You could avail of the government facility provided to women through the Legal Aid Cell or you could contact the Women’s Commission to help you out with the divorce. Your relationship with your current partner has already progressed very far. However, it would be better to give both yourselves some time before deciding something as serious as marriage. You need to consider a lot of things which are not easy. Suppose you have a child with your current partner, will he still treat your children the same? Are you currently providing him with financial aid? Are you a source of security for him right now? If the answer to any of these is ‘yes’, then you would be better off living by yourself with your children.    

I have been married for 15 years. My wife had an affair before marriage but had broken up with the guy. She disclosed this to me before marriage. I was okay with it since she promised me that it was over between them and hence we decided to get married. Around seven years back I came to know that she is still in contact with her ex-boyfriend. Since then I have been keeping a check on her cell and mails. I found out there is a lot of emotional attachment between them. I confronted both of them but none of them admits that they are having an affair. They say they are doing nothing wrong, they are just talking with each other on the phone. I have gone through phone records and mails which show they are truly in love. Physical contact is difficult as we are in Goa and he is in Mumbai. I feel very hurt. Whenever I try to stop them, it increases more. So I have stopped saying anything to them. They have changed their ways of communication so that I don’t come to know about it, but I still come to know that it is going stronger. What should I do?

Dear Cheated

You are right in feeling hurt. You have already spoken to the offending parties. Now maybe, you could try talking to your wife about how her behaviour is hurting you. Perhaps she finds you are emotionally unavailable and so is looking for it outside the marriage (but this does not condone her behaviour). Both of you have to work on changing yourselves. Don’t turn this into a blame game as it will get you nowhere. If you cannot settle this among yourselves then you could consult a marriage counsellor.  

I am a 17-year-old girl and I am in love with a guy.He is from high class and I am from middle class background. His parents accepted me but as soon as he told them that I am from middle class they refused to accept me. I love him and even he loves me a lot. We don’t want to leave each other. Now I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Dear Confused

You are only 17-years-old. There are other things like studies and career that are more important than this relationship. The distress this relationship is causing will only affect other more important areas of your life. Since you are both dependent on parents right now, it would be best to slow things down on the relationship front. Once you are financially independent, you will be in a better position to decide. Till then, concentrate on your studies, and if the relationship is causing too much distress then end it (at least for now).

(To get your personal queries answered by clinical psychologist Marilia P. Fernandes send them to counsellor.nt@gmail.com)