I’m have been in a relationship with a guy for the last three years. The main problem in our case is that he is too fat and dark skinned. My parents don’t like him even though he has completed class 10, I’m a graduate. My parents want a guy who looks good and is educated. The qualities which I don’t like in him are that he touches and kisses me in front of my mother making her feel angry and awkward. Secondly, he never supports me when someone comments negatively about me. Thirdly, I told him to lose weight but he never listens. And lastly, he doesn’t give me to talk to any friends (especially male) by being too possessive and arrogant at times. I loved him a lot but because of his behaviour I don’t like him and don’t want to marry any guy in future. Please advise.
Thank you for sharing your troubling situation with me. Can’t help but think that you already advised yourself well when you wrote “I loved him…I don’t like him”. It seems like your boyfriend has already been placed in your past. Clearly, you’re in a relationship that you’re not only uncomfortable in but also feel quite trapped and unhappy with. Size, colour, qualifications shouldn’t really matter but the truth is that it almost always does. Love is important in a relationship as it has a way of smoothening out imperfections and things that are beyond our reasoning ability. If one thinks practically, the argument would be that love, no matter how important, it doesn’t pay the bills! Hence, this is where the qualifications in a relationship arise. It is important as it gets one a job which ensures stability and income as well as sets a common ground for thought processes and ideas based on similar interests, lifestyle and exposure.
The fact that your boyfriend touches and kisses you despite it making you and your mum uncomfortable only shows that fulfilment of needs and respect is a one way street. The purpose of a relationship is to complement each other, grow together and achieve common goals as a couple not become possessive as if the other person is an object that one owns. You’re not a remote to be controlled. It’s unfortunate that he doesn’t stand up for you but this is a sign that it’s time for you to stand up for yourself. Choose happiness and someone who can share that with you. Just because you found one bad apple, doesn’t mean you give up on the whole tree. You know better now and can choose wisely. You have to experience life to understand it. Happiness is around the corner. All the best.
I used to have many best friends growing up but over the years I feel like as if the number of friends I have keeps decreasing. I sometimes find myself waking up at night fearing that I might end up with no friends and be all alone. This thought has been troubling me and I can’t seem to understand why I’m having difficulty with this. I know I can’t control everything that happens but the fear of being alone always frightens me. How should I deal with this?
Thank you for your email discussing your fearful situation. Indeed we have little control over life events but we certainly can control our responses to it. Remember, if you are not losing friends then you are not growing up. Friends are like grains of sand, the tighter you hold on to them, the more they are likely to slip away. You have to let people go. Everyone who is in your life is meant to be a part of your journey, but not all of them are meant to stay till the end. As we grow up we realise that it is less important to have more friends and more important to have real ones. True friendship often allows friends to grow separately but not necessarily apart. Right now, you need to remind yourself that you are not alone, so stop worrying about a possibility that isn’t a reality. Also, being alone and being lonely are two different things. Don’t be afraid of losing people, be afraid of losing yourself. You can never be lonely if you learn to love the person you are alone with. Good luck.
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Until next time, choose positivity.
(The columnist is psychologist and counsellor, currently working as a school counsellor.)