I live in Mumbai which is hot, humid, squalid and polluted, and has a permanent haze of smog hanging over it, and here I am only describing the good days. I love the city. It has provided me with an education, an income and a lifestyle that I have really grown attached to.
What the city has however demanded in return has been most part of my lungs and all the pores of my skin which it has conveniently begun to fill up with all manners of effluents.
To top that, I have the facial features that resemble a gargoyle, the scaly skin of a dragon and the personality of a boiled potato. Although my profession ensures that I am confined to a kitchen, the general public cringes in horror each time they catch a glimpse of me which thankfully is not too often. I really had to change this and I had to do it soon.
Being a chef, the only objects at my disposal were the edible varieties and I decided to make the best use of them after cross-referencing with some aunts, grandmas and assorted women of a certain vintage that made the dinosaurs seem youthful in comparison.
The first therapy had me using oats. I blended the oats in a bowl with a spoon and added in honey to create this sticky, cakey mixture. I rubbed that over my entire body to scrape out the dead cells. I especially paid attention to my face and rubbed it in gentle, circular motions and left it on for a couple of minutes to dry up. I then headed for a quick shower and cleaned myself up. Having cleaned my face, I now decided to settle in for a mask that would strengthen and firm my sagging skin.
I whisked together a couple of egg whites and used them on my face for twenty minutes till they dried up and seemed to clamp my jaw shut. I then washed this off to reveal an amazing glow.
I realised however that years of cycling to work had left me with a tan that was best described as blotchy. It was time to turn to the amazing tomato to sort this end out for me. Tomatoes cut through the centre in half and then laid face down in yoghurt for about twenty minutes before rubbing them liberally on my face. Left on for ten minutes, the acid and the enzymes get to work leaving my skin with a never seen before fairer glow.
I am on a roll right now. In an hour or so, I have managed to exfoliate, firm and cleanse my skin. I start noticing minor irritants and wanted to get them out of the way as well. I pull out avocado to use it on the bags under my eyes. I mash half the avocado with yoghurt and lemon juice and apply the pulp under my eyes and on the back of my neck for good measure. I feel the cooling effect immediately and get caught up in the euphoria.
As I wash the pulp off my hands, I notice that my fingers resemble the talons of a peregrine falcon and the scaly dragon skin is giving it a really weird appearance. I try the cornmeal-banana deflaker which is cornmeal and bananas mashed together till you get a mixture that has the consistency of wet sand. I rub this liberally on my hands and feet for good measure and now notice that most of the dry flaky skin which gave my hands the dragon look has now gone.
I also realise that the antifungal properties of the cornmeal have ensured that I have athletes foot no more.
I now have a glowing face, glowing skin, a relatively muted peaches and cream complexion and baby soft hands and feet. All I require now is a natural remedy for the gargoyle face and the boiled potato personality.
Alas no one can help me with that!